I posted this to social media recently with the following words:
“We compare our faces, our bodies, our homes, our children, our skills and talents. The list could go on endlessly.
Something that helps me to get off the vicious comparison cycle is to remember two things.
1. Nothing and no one is perfect.
2. Pretty photos don’t necessarily mean pretty lives. Don’t assume that someone’s life is better than yours just because it looks that way from the outside.
How about today we strive for BETTER rather than BEST? 😉”
The response was very large and very interesting, which tells me that this is something that is very common to most of us. I wanted to talk a little more about the comparison game, how negative it can be and some strategies we can use to help overcome it.
Posting the image and reading the responses made me reflect more deeply on how comparison affects my life and how it definitely does steal joy. Here is a very real example.
Recently, my daughters and I have been enjoying a lot of music. My eldest daughter plays a variety of instruments, the main ones being violin and piano and is always on the hunt for a new song to play. Being surrounded by lovely music has inspired the rest of us and reminded me, once again how much I miss singing. From an early age I sang and in my teens had some classical training. I’ve been in school and community musicals, recorded in a recording studio and worked for a couple of years as a vocalist for weddings, parties and venues. The busy-ness of being a Mum meant that singing was put way on the back burner, and following a throat virus a couple of years ago my voice is not what it used to be. But I’ve wondered. Can I retrain it back to what it was, or at least better than it is now? Can I get to the point of really loving singing again, perhaps even record myself again?
I could try. But I haven’t. And it’s not because I’m “too busy” (I believe you can make time for anything you really want to do).
It’s because I’m afraid.
Take a look around Youtube. Pick a song title, any song title, there will be people doing covers of it. Most of them are young, pretty, polished and some of them sing amazingly well. Have a scroll on Instagram. There are “beautiful people” everywhere!
Then there is me. I am 43 years old. I have possible vocal damage. I look (and feel!) tired most of the time. My teeth aren’t straight and white. I’m overweight. I’m not very interesting to look at.
Yep, I’ve been playing the comparison game and it’s not fun.
Not only does comparing yourself to others steal your joy, it can be suffocating. It stops you going forward and achieving goals. The voices in your head say things like “no one is interested in a 40+ woman singing!”, “you’re setting yourself up for ridicule” and “I can’t believe you would even consider it!”.
These are not things people have actually said to me, these are things that I am saying to myself!
I reminisce about my days on the stage when I was younger and people loved to hear me sing. I feel sad that the time for that has passed. But has it? Or does society and social media just make me feel that way?
This is just one small example of how comparing myself to others manifests itself in my life. I know that many of you do this to yourselves and I know it can be really destructive. Whether it’s comparing yourself to other weavers, other parents, other homeowners, it’s something we need to get a different perspective on and use as a force of positivity rather than negativity.
How?
- Remember that no one and nothing is perfect.
2. Someone else’s purpose is not necessarily your own. You are uniquely made with specific purpose and intent.
3. Set your own goals and work towards them. You don’t have to be the best. Every bit of work you put towards your goal will make you better and that is more important. Start today!
4. Use others as inspiration. We tend towards jealousy, but perhaps if we are glad for the success of others, we will instead be inspired by them. I often read the lives of the saints. I don’t in all honesty feel that I could be as heroic, as holy, as faithful as so many of them, but that’s ok. They are a huge inspiration to me to do better in my faith and to recall that God has an individual plan for me.
5. Be honest with yourself. If you are following someone on social media and they make you feel bad about yourself because they seem to have something unattainable to you, maybe it’s time to unfollow and let go of that particular ideal.
6. Change your expectations. Are they too high? Lower them and don’t feel bad. Set goals that work for you, not someone else.
7. Be grateful. This is probably the most important point. Constantly comparing yourself absolutely stifles gratitude for who you already are and what you already have. The comparison game can completely blind you to your past and current achievements.
Before I started weaving I spent countless hours researching, watching people weave and looking at beautiful projects. I used all of that inspiration to push me forward, through the hard times when I was learning and had no help, through the frustrations of lack of knowledge, and through the disappointments of projects not turning out well. I didn’t compare myself to master weavers or those who were weaving before I was born. I just kept going and building skills and knowledge. And that is still what I’m doing today, every day. Building, one block at a time.
Now, I’m off the do some vocal scales and I’ll try to do that more often. Who knows, maybe it will take me on a new adventure. At the very least, if I work at it consistently, my voice will improve.
La la la la la, la la la la……
Thanks for reading, I would love for you to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments!
Thanks for the beautiful encouragement through your words and experiences I am 80 plus and over the last 2 years have taught myself to crochet ( I am left handed) and through your classes and encouragement from my daughter have started to weave no way prefect but enjoy .like others have done many crafts including petite point eyes do not allow anymore. As I say even old dogs can and should learn new tricks
I’m so impressed with you Barbara, you’re doing amazingly well!
Kelly, Your words in this post are so true and pure and real. As I age, I am learning, albeit slowly at times, that God has uniquely made me – my looks, my way of thinking, my background, my abilities, my intellect – all were created to make “me”. As such, I need to revel in being “me” and live a life that pleases God as “me”. I can be a really wonderful “me”, but even with my best efforts I probably will be a pretty poor version of “you” or someone else. Be you! All of you! Remember you were wonderfully made!
Thanks Debby!
Hi Kelly. Thanks for your very interesting post.
As the others have said, I too am at a place in life where I have stopped ‘comparing’. I notice what others have done – I admire their handiwork or other achievement – and then I get back to what I’m doing. I’ve realized that for me, comparing became judging – whose piece is better? It was about looking for the better one, the perfect one. I started feeling as if each piece I sewed, knitted, crocheted, or wove reflected on me as a person and if my pieces were perfect, well – I would be perfect, as well. That never was true and it never will be.
I have learned so many interesting hobbies and skills these last few years because I try any new thing that I can. I give it a shot, and if it feels comfortable, I take classes or work on it alone. If it doesn’t feel like it’s my thing – I let it go. I tried spinning a few years ago – I was sure I would love it, but I realized it made me nervous and I stopped. I learned to weave last year, and after the first class, knew I had found a new love. Some of the pieces I’ve made are lovely and some of them are wonky and weird, but each has been fun to create.
Today, I’m starting a pottery class at a new studio near my house. I had a few lessons last year – and made some ‘interesting’ pieces, loved the craft, and finally have a chance to take more lessons.
I try not to judge others and I hope no one is judging me. I try to focus on the joy I find in making.
That’s so exciting Barbara, I’ve always had a keen interest in pottery. I hope you enjoy it!
Kelly! You AMAZE me…as I discover another great gift you share with others: An Encourager! So few people use their writing space to focus on observation made in themselves and others….and turn those observations into encouragement! Thank you for who you are…as you are, though working to reach your unique goals, as you are encouraging us to do. This blog entry is a keeper….filled with disclosure and the purpose of encouraging others, as you do so, for yourself. Thank you forth you are; your skills in sharing your lessons learned, your hopes ins being better, not just the best, and most of all, your faith and diligence. I am celebrating your accomplishments as inspiration to me!
The title, “Comparison is the thief of joy”…is so appropriate, because it fits ALL we do…and reminds me that each of us is unique and created to be just such…and not finished yet! Happy singing, weaving, loving and sharing your God given talents!
Thank you Joyce, you too have many gifts, but the one that stands out to me most is that you always have a kind and encouraging word to say 🙂
Oh I do hope you bring singing back as a regular in your life. That is one gift I often wish I had, in reality I’m off the charts B.A.D., Doesn’t stop me singing any time I’m alone though. Most of my life I compared myself to others and always fell short. This meant living with a lot of fear of what others might think of me, of how I looked, of how I did things, of what I thought. One day, not so long ago, I realised that I hadn’t been doing that for a few years, that was a revelation. It took around 60 years but I had finally accepted myself, warts and all. I had finally come to believe that I had always tried to be kind, do the right thing and do my best, and that was ok, I was ok. Nothing and no one around me changed, but I had – instead of worrying all the time I could just enjoy moments for what they were. There are many and varied external pressures bearing down on us throughout our lives, if we can lift the burden of self fear maybe the other pressures will feel a little lighter too.
I love to hear that Gai 🙂
This is beautiful. There is a French saying that roughly translated says ” Little by little the bird builds it’s nest”.
It was given to me when I was beating my self up because I felt like I should be better at something than I was at the time. Others seem to pick up the particular skill so much faster than I was. My beautiful french friend gave me this saying to encourage me to keep trying, focus on the immediate short term goal. Not my perceived expectations by what others seemed to be able to do. Not only that but to remember you can do anything you set your mind to. But first you have to take that first step, and then another, and another. And often the journey is the best part.
Thanks for putting this out there.
Gina
Very true Gina!
I trained as an opera singer and have sung at weddings too. I’m now 70 and I have to say that Queen of the Night is well beyond me. The voice isn’t what it once was. But I’d still enjoy a duet with you Kelly.
My weaving is a similar case but rather than being not as good as it once was, it’s not going forward as well as I’d hoped. Am I downhearted? You bet. Am I going to give up? Whatever made you think that. Just because I haven’t yet achieved the quality I want means more practice. And if my selvedges still aren’t even I’ll find a way to hide them.
Thanks Kelly.
Wow, opera singing?! That’s waaaaay beyond my capabilities!