Ponderings..

A few short months ago I was ready to give away all hope and fancies of working for myself. After 4 years of trying to pursue a handmade business I was ready to accept that despite my efforts it just wasn’t happening and so I might as well go back to making just for my family and for gifts.

I’ve started knitting in a pretty big way and have really appreciated knitting every day to make really beautiful clothing for my family. I’ve had the time to sit back and enjoy my crafts and trying new things without the pressure of finishing an order or attempting to make something that would be popular enough to sell.

I’ve also been thinking a lot. About how much I dislike making items that I don’t personally like, but that somebody wants and will pay money for. About how I like to be free to make what I love. And now for the real problem – that I often seem to like things that other people don’t like or aren’t interested in.

All this leads me to ponder on my former philosophy of art and craft – that the two blend together almost seamlessly. But am I wrong? Because lately, I feel a direct leaning towards art as opposed to craft. My business card says “Textile Artist”, but have I ever really taken myself seriously as an artist or am I just “the lady who makes stuff”?

In high school I had an adversary. She and I were considered the “best” singers in the school, and in fact, I was considered the better vocalist.  It didn’t bother me that I had a rival – until she started getting the roles I wanted. At the annual school musical auditions there would be the tense wait for the announcement of roles, only for me to learn, once again, that I was to play second fiddle in the supporting role.
As I was the better vocalist, you might be wondering why? Was her father the school Principal? No. Was she somehow connected to the musical director? No.
It was her character. She was an extrovert, a supremely confident performer, she was driven and never gave up.
I was quiet, reserved, didn’t believe in my own abilities and seriously lacked confidence. This lead me to miss out on many opportunities (not necessarily as a singer but in life thus far) and it is something I’m still battling today.

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, but I do have a serious ponder over what I would like to do differently at the beginning of each year.
This year I want to believe in myself. As I now move more towards art and design, I want to be confident that I can have some measure of success in my endeavours. I want to believe that my designs will start to sell, that my art is good enough to make prints, have exhibitions and that there are really people out there who would like my art in their homes. I want to know that if I persist with the guitar I can become really good and bring joy to others and glory to God through my music.
I want my children to benefit from having a positive and happy Mother.

I have a long way to go and a lot of work to do. But maybe, just maybe, this year will be the year for positive change.

Thanks for reading. God bless 🙂

We spent a lovely afternoon with some friends the other day. My girls had such a great time playing in the beautiful wooden cubbyhouse on the hill, leading to a slide down to the huge sandpit and a big trampoline.
The girls were reluctant to leave, (there is also a playground directly across the road from the house) and as we did a sort of sadness crept over me.

Image credit


We don’t have a cubbyhouse or sandpit. Our trampoline is old and coming apart. Our backyard is a fair size by city standards, but there is no room for a swing set or other play equipment.
Yep, I was feeling like we aren’t providing for our children well enough because of our financial situation.

And then today I received a letter in the mail that was such a timely reminder that I’m sure God is prodding me! One of my sisters – in – law is a religious sister and currently lives in Kolkata, India. She writes a letter a month and we get a copy. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind my sharing these brief extracts from her letter.

“One form of poverty that I can’t bear is to see women in raggy clothes that expose their bodies. Sickness, hunger, homelessness don’t strip them of their dignity anywhere as much as nakedness does, and when I see them that glimpse remains as a very painful picture in my memory”.


“… India which is a mix of great progress and primitive poverty. What is considered normal here is a shock to outsiders”.

So I gathered a couple of camping tarps, headed out to the garden and cleared a little patch beneath some branches and between the lavender and arum lilies. One of the tarps went on the ground, the other suspended by branches.

Added a couple of girly faux flowers, patchwork blanket and pretty yarn, and that’s it! They were so delighted and I was humbled.

I looked around the garden and gave thanks for the great things we do have, because there are so, so many.

I like teapots. I like them for their aesthetic and practical applications. When my mother died I received a small teapot of hers which set me on the path of freshly brewed tea. Unfortunately that teapot that gave me many years of piping hot cuppas was accidentally broken recently and I’ve been on the search for a replacement ever since.

All images courtesy of wikimedia commons

There are 2 problems : price and function. Either they are too pricey or they leak, clog, or do something else that is really annoying.

                                  
If you have any teapot recommendations please do enlighten me, I can’t take the teabags much longer!

                                                                                                Image source

This question has been playing on my mind a little lately. You see, I’ll be 35 this year and still haven’t decided on the right “thing” for me. When I say “thing” I’m referring to some sort of a career or occupation other than being a wife and mother.

When I was little I wanted to be a hairdresser (feel free to roll your eyes) but the novelty of that idea didn’t last. When I completed high school I was strongly encouraged (pushed) to go to university. Unfortunately my scores were not high enough to go into my 2 choices of either Psychology or Nursing so I ended up in a course I loathed and subsequently quit. I’ve quit a lot of things since then and find it very difficult to stay with one thing.

I realise that as my children grow older I need to be able to have some sort of an income. And I do relish the idea of one day having a bit of extra money. The thought of working in the types of jobs I did pre – babies does not thrill me in the slightest. I no longer want to work just for money – I want the fulfillment that comes from using your skills and talents to support yourself. I want to be excellent rather than mediocre.

So here’s a bit of fun.

When I grow up I’m going to live in the country in a grand and beautiful old home. I will offer classes from my home in various arts including embroidery, cake decorating, bread and patisseries. My husband will not need to work as we have a collection of sought after farm animals and are proficient in their husbandry. Our children are all happy and superbly educated (ahem!) Sounds good hey?

So how about you? Have you decided what you want to be when you grow up yet?

I’ve been struggling with this for quite some time now and it’s getting worse.
Last year I had a job interview for the first time in many years and was struck by this realisation: I don’t believe in myself anymore. In my darker times I think of myself as a loser! The one who never made anything of herself.

I don’t know how this happened. But I do know it goes hand in hand with being a “housewife” (for want of better word). I shouldn’t feel like this. I have a loving and encouraging husband. My children love me and depend on me.
It is so important to me that as my children grow and develop they have the belief that they can reach great heights and nothing within reason is out of reach. Am I conveying that to them when my own self worth has dwindled to next to nothing?

When I was performing I sang to rooms of people on a regular basis. I wasn’t phased. I knew I was good. People liked to hear me sing. It was a great feeling.
Now I find that I’m constantly trying but getting nowhere – I guess that I feel I no longer have anything to offer. I’m naturally a creative person and find it difficult that I’m unable to make a living from that creativity – I have that silly feeling that money = success.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this. Letting off steam helps a little. And I would love to hear from anyone who finds themselves in the same situation or has been through it. I hope it doesn’t sound like a “will someone please feel sorry for me?” post – that isn’t my intention.

Thanks for listening 🙂